The Connection Conundrum

I’ve been thinking a lot about connection. As an introvert, connection usually drains me, but I enjoy occasional meaningful interactions. Since I prefer solitude, this creates conflict. Imagine a cat. Cats can be deceptively lovable, allowing petting and rubbing; then, a sudden and invisible over-stimulation switch flips, and they scratch or bite the fuck out of you. I am the cat in this scenario. I rarely scratch or bite, though. I vanish. If I feel someone either wants too much from me or doesn’t value me, I withdraw or push them away. Sometimes this is temporary. Sometimes it’s permanent. My close friends and family know this behavior. We call it “being in my shell.” My friends will text asking, “You okay? In your shell?”

It’s a conundrum. I pull people close and shove them away.

In the past year, I worked on building boundaries instead of walls, but I’m not great at it, and I have a hard time working on things when I don’t see greatness in my future. While I admire people who embark on learning new games and improving at sports, that is so not me. Take darts, for example. My husband encourages me, “Just practice. You’ll get better.” (He enjoys pushing himself to get better at random sports and games.) I don’t see greatness in my future so I struggle to focus any energy there. I am excellent at puzzles and will spend hours being great at them while he putts and throws…