Hair is Life

Did you know your hair changes every seven years? I am blessed with several brilliant hair stylists in my life, so I’ve believed this for a long time and witnessed it multiple times with my own hair.

It was curly when I was a baby, wavy in childhood, curly only in the back in my teens and 20s. It changed with each pregnancy, but I got pregnant every six years so that could be coincidental or hormone-related and is probably faulty data. Through all these changes, it’s been consistently thick, wavy in the back, coarse and dry.

Last week one of my stylist friends ran her fingers through my hair commenting, “Your hair is so soft and silky.” First, if you’re friends with hair stylists, you know they always touch your hair. Second, those are two things my hair has never been. If it’s straight and behaving, it’s usually dirty or recently blown out. But this day it was clean and long-removed from the last blowout. Since I haven’t found any miracle products, it must be changing again. My age, 46, isn’t a multiple of 7; shockingly, it’s off-schedule.

This knowledge in the back of my mind, I paid close attention to it this past week. Sure enough, it’s pretty soft and silky. Full disclosure: If I’d noticed these changes before my friend pointed them out using loving language, I’d have used adjectives like flat and limp. Potato/PotAto.

It’s taking me a long time to get to the point, but I promise I have one, and it’s not my hair. Well, kinda but not really.

Like our hair, we evolve and change. As constant works in progress, we don’t remain who we were, have been, or are today. Unfortunately sometimes our self-image gets stuck on outdated versions, and we use old, inaccurate language to describe ourselves both in our heads and in the world. Do you ever listen to your self-talk? Is it descriptive of the person you are today, or is it the same tired loop of criticisms from your mom or an ex or a crappy boss? Is it your inner critic trying to keep you small so you don’t fail?

Voices that say you’re not smart/capable/confident/strong or whatever enough are nearly always shame-based, and Brené Brown teaches that empathy is the antidote to shame. The next time your thoughts want to take you down a dark path, try questioning them rather than going along. When and from whom did they originate? Are they serving you? Are they helping you meet your goals? Are they relevant? If the answer is no, and we already know the answer is no, tell your inner voices that their information is faulty, untrue and irrelevant.

Here are a few examples:

“Remember that time you forgot your speech in 8th grade? You can’t be a motivational speaker!”

That’s not true.

“You’re not smart enough to go back to college and get a master’s degree.”

That’s not true.

“You’ll never get in shape; you have no willpower.”

That’s not true.

“Your relationship will never last because you’re not lovable.”

That’s not true. And it’s really fucking mean.

Here’s the thing: We’re not the same people we were in childhood, high school, or even yesterday. We’ve likely suffered the consequences of bad decisions and vowed not to make the same mistakes again. If you’ve worked on yourself, owned your shit, and know who you are, then don’t let anyone, even your inner critic, continue to punish you for who you once were. If they want to continue to know that version of you, that’s fine, but you? The You you are today? You’ve moved on.

Left unchecked, my mind can get caught up in the to-do’s and forget to acknowledge the items I’ve crossed off the list. I focus on the trim that’s not painted and ignore the trim that IS painted. My goal weight overshadows the 10 pounds I lost. Yesterday’s you was not as evolved as today’s you; tomorrow’s you will be even more enlightened. Give each version grace. She’s trying so hard.

I spent about 35 years learning to embrace my coarse, unruly hair, and then one day it decided to be soft and silky. Imagine if we could embrace our bodies, our lives, our relationships just as they are and then realize one day, HOLY SHIT, this is the body, life, relationship you’ve always dreamed of! You have it. Guess what? You had it all along. All you had to do was love it.

How would your life change today, if you embraced it as it already is?

If you don’t have an amazing stylist in your life, I can’t do shit with your hair, but I can speak style into your heart.

You’re a work in progress.

You’re changing every day.

You aren’t the same person you were yesterday, and you will be better tomorrow.

You have paid for your mistakes.

Look at you! You’re amazing!

And by the way,

Damn, girl.

Your hair?

It’s smooth

AF.

Originally published at https://medium.com on May 23, 2019.